Thursday, February 03, 2011

Superbowl Predictions

1. Packers 377, Steelers 6.  Just to get that out of the way.

2. We will see 32 different commercials trying to teach men how to "be men," whether by buying a certain kind of truck, drinking a certain kind of light beer or wearing a certain fragrance.  It will be implied that if a man DOESN'T use said truck/beer/fragrance, he is either a simpering, whipped sadsack or "a gay."  Dennis Leary will yell at you.  You will be told to "man up."

3. The National Anthem will be undersung, because people got so mad back in the 80s and 90s when singers actually put some emotion and variety into their presentation of the song.  Do you remember that?  Do you remember your uncle or family friend or whoever saying "WHY CAN'T THEY JUST SING IT THE REGULAR WAY?"

4. John Kuhn will be praised as "scrappy, hardworking and tough."  Who knows, maybe the announcers will finally just lose their minds and say "I LIKES THAT GUY 'CAUSE HE'S WHITE."

5. For four hours, women will only be seen as sex objects, sassy bartenders or white, middle-class stay-at-home moms who are always cooking up some delicious pizza rolls for their kids, their kids' friends and the token black kid in the neighborhood.

6. The Black Eyed Peas will be so awful that they'll open up a rift in the space-time continuum.  Out of that rift will jump the "Behind the Front"-era Black Eyed Peas, and there will be a huge brawl.  The present BEP will beat the past BEP because it'll be four against three, unless Kim Hill shows up.  If she's there, the past BEP will win and they'll be immediately dropped from their label.

7. A player will be interviewed, and he will say "WE'RE JUST GOING TO DO WHAT WE DO, PLAY HARD AND EXECUTE."  After the game, another player will say "WE HAVE TO TIP OUR HATS TO THEM.  THEY PLAYED A GREAT GAME."

8. Aaron Rodgers will twist his ankle, and just as all hope seems lost... who's that?  Who's that mysterious Green Bay player wearing number 1?  Why, it's BARACK OBAMA.  He's going in!  Obama will go on to throw one TD and two interceptions, but Green Bay will still win.

9. All of my snacks will be gone by the time the second quarter starts.  Damn it.

10. Not exactly a prediction, but promotion: the following Friday, I will be performing at UW-Madison's Memorial Union with the Tribe & Big Cats! and Sleepy MC.  The next day, I'll be back in Minneapolis at the Fineline for the Best Love is Free Release Party with Culture Cry Wolf, Kristoff Krane, Soulcrate Music and more.  Headed to St. Cloud the Wednesday after that.  Life goes on.  Go Packers.


IBé said...

#6 is my favorite all the way!!!! LOL!
And you just reminded me to run to youtube to listen to Marvin Gaye and Whitney Houston's rendition of the national anthem.

Christopher said...

I LOVE this piece. Funny as hell.