Thursday, November 22, 2007

things i learned watching football on thanksgiving

1. Brett Favre is apparently the Chuck Norris of football. He doesn't throw a football, he rotates the rest of the world TO the football.

2. Trucks = men. Your vehicle is an extension of your psyche. And the bigger the truck, the more masculine you are. Hauling airplanes and driving over rocks and brush = enormous penises everywhere. Manly. Also, men don't drink anything but beer, and if they do, they're probably not actually men.

3. Diamonds = love. Also, diamonds = Vanessa Carlton.

4. If you pay with cash instead of credit card, you're ruining everyone's day and disrupting the fragile rhythm of the universe. Also, everyone will hate you.

5. Family Guy isn't funny, and i'm starting to think that it never really was. It is, in fact, the direct OPPOSITE of funny. I am, however, excited about the new Futurama movie coming out soon.

6. The Postal Service (and their many imitators) make the perfect music to use in a variety of commercials-- it's all clean and futuristic and cute... as long as you mute the lyrics. When you get rid of that pesky depth and melancholy and beauty, you have the perfect "WE'RE INVENTING THE NEW WORLD" music. I bet they play that album on a continuous loop at the Apple headquarters.

7. Officially played out: any sign, banner or thought that uses the "something: $10, something else: $20, something else: priceless" formula. Also, same goes for "Got (fill in the blank)?"

8. FOX LOVES ROBOTS!

9. Athletes, despite having the newest cutting edge excercise technology at their disposal, prefer to work out in abandoned warehouses and industrial wastelands. They're ALL Rocky.

10. How in the hell is there STILL a team in the NFL called "The Redskins?" This is one of those issues that i've written about and thousands of others have written about, so i won't go on about it here, but really, WTF?! On most issues, i can see both sides and at least understand others' arguments. But this is one of those issues where there's really only one right answer and everyone else is just stupid. I guess the NFL (and on another level, sports culture in general) is just THAT powerful these days.

11. For about six hours every Sunday (as well as Monday nights and Thanksgiving), Asian people don't exist.

12. The Packers are still fun to watch, and i don't know why. Maybe it's just the players they recruit, maybe it's nostalgia for 1996, who knows. I shouldn't care, but i find myself cheering when they do well and mildly disappointed when they don't. My superbowl pick: Packers vs. Patriots, just like '96. Brett Favre will quarterback sneak every play and score 100 touchdowns.

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