Now some people know me for the music, others from the madison observer, others from various other activist work; but of course, my true claim to fame is fashion expert. With that in mind, here a few quick tips for all you m'fuckas who want to look all nice and whatnot.
1. Polo shirts (particularly pastels) are wack, and if you flip the collar up, you should get your face smashed in. Simple enough.
2. When it's cold outside, you wear a damn coat. No shorts and no miniskirts neither; a coat, long pants and a hat. It's COLD.
3. If the clothes you're wearing cost more than a month of rent, you're an idiot.
4. Everyone knows that platinum chain is fake. We know the diamonds are fake too, but it's better to wear fake diamonds than real ones, because wars don't get fought over fake diamonds-- no such thing as a "blood zircon."
5. Black hoodie-- ain't nothin' wrong with that.
6. The styles "goth," "emo," "hip hop" and the rest are JUST AS CONFORMIST as Gap or Abercrombie. You're just conforming to a different norm. There's nothing inherently wrong with that really, but don't act like you're better than anyone else because you have the quirkiest vintage t-shirt or the puffiest coat.
7. Let's talk glasses: aviator glasses look dumb on everyone but pilots-- just looks like you're trying too hard. Those black frame "emo" glasses are probably played out, but they're still sexy. Finally, glasses don't make you smart or serious-- we're looking at you, Eminem.
8. Ladies, sleep in pajama pants, don't walk around town in them. And the whole words-on-the-ass thing is kind of tacky, isn't it?
9. Hey random guy in the cowboy hat/fedora/french beret: you're so original and quirky! Will you be my friend?! Let's party!
10. Swords make cumbersome, yet stunning, accessories to any ensemble ("ON-SOM").
Any rules i'm forgetting?
8 comments:
Here are some fashion tips from Pain:
1. Capri pants hurt everybody-- you're paying the same price for less material (this applies to obscenely slutty clothes too)
2. Pocketless jeans for girls? They make you look like seals... or fish. And you decrease your cargo potential by quite a bit by eliminating back pockets.
3. If I see another scrawny motherfucker wearing clothing that reads "property of g-unit" I swear...
4. Those witty sexual puns that you find so often on Abercrombie and Fitch (or af-esque) brand t-shirts are ridiculously wack and they make your grandmother wonder about you.
5. I don't care how sexy your emo glasses are, you'll get a rock thrown at you... by me. Oh yeah, myspace me, girl.
6. Tie dye... again?
7. Those pants that girls wear made out of that really slim material... I don't even know what they're called... they're like a cross between leotards and flare-leg jeans and they conform to every feature of the lower body...well anyway, ladies, when you wear them, we see EVERYTHING. As I am a heterosexual male, I won't make much of an effort to try and stop you from wearing them, but come on...
8. I'd wear my timbs unlaced if I didn't always have to run. So if you have to run, lace your shit up.
9. Mesh hats... people who wear them are usually wack.
10. Disregard rule number 9 and purchase an Extortion Entertainment mesh hat for under 10 dollars! Coming soon, holler at me.
Ugg boots are also wack as hell. They're EXTRA wack if they're furry or pink or have those ugly-as-sin fluffy balls hanging off them. UGG. UUUUGGGG.
Side note to el guante: my boyfriend just called, his band is playing with you at the Catacombs on Saturday. Look out for a 6'7" white guy who plays drums.
white people all look the same to me. even if they're six foot seven-- they just blend right in.
which band is he in?
Oh, you can't miss him cuz his style is, like, SOOOO funky and unique!! He usually sticks to crazy expensive but hella funny vintage t-shirts. But if it's cold outside he'll wear his favorite lime green polo shirt over it, with the collar up cuz that's, just, like, TOTALLY original!! When it's really freezing, though, he wears his favorite "Property of G-Unit" sweatshirt. Since he's playing a show, he'll probably be wearing a cowboy hat and avs cuz it shows how cool and, like, you know, trendy and stuff he is. But not conformist trendy. INDEPENDENT, FREE-THINKING trendy. But, the best part is the totally gorgeous 100-carat real diamond engagement ring on his left hand. Think about it: 30 people in Sierra Leone died for that ring!! He must really love me! Isn't that, like, soooo sweet? OMIGOD!!!
Who the hell are you, Mar? You're ridiculously funny.
pain
it's a small world, pain. you actually know her. we'll talk later.
what? i don't think i know pain. do i? if so, who the hell are YOU, pain? that's cool. to answer your question, my guy is in a band called middleworld. i don't know if it'll be exactly your thing cuz it's more progressive rock-ish, and some of the songs they write as jokes anyway, but there you go. good luck at the show.
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